I am a Hopeless Romantic

When my husband and I were only about 2 years married, I felt something was amiss in our relationship. We were not fighting but there were times I felt empty. Maybe because I was still young and didn’t know what I was looking for. Maybe the pressures of being a wife and a young mom put a strain on me emotionally, subconsciously. Plus I was also trying to find my own place in this world. How do I earn some money for myself? for my daughter? for our family?

I still remember very vividly, some 25 years ago, one time the two of us were eating at home, I brought up the topic of being unhappy. I told him others probably see us as having a perfect relationship. But no, we don’t. I told Edmund it’s like 85% good. 85 is very good but I felt there’s something missing. And that we should find out what it is and do something about it. We should exert more effort on being closer. Men are not expected to dig deep into their emotions that’s why maybe right after we finished eating, he had totally forgotten what I’ve told him about.

My thoughts and expectations then as a woman not even in her thirties were maybe too high. My rationalization of my life was maybe too idealistic.

At my age now, there are still many things that I am discovering about myself. About my life. Occasionally I would look back and think about me 25 years ago, 30 years ago, 15 years ago. Minsan parang naawa ako kay 25 year old Annie, kay 30 year old Annie.
Minsan naman, bilib na bilib ako for the things that she did. I couldn’t imagine myself doing those things now. Annie the young, go through life basically alone ( trial and error ) kaya ang daming errors.

Edmund and I have been together for more than 30 years. Come December it would be our 31st as a married couple not counting the 6-1/2 years as boyfriend-girlfriend. That’s a long time. But I realized that after everything I’ve experienced, at my age, there’s one thing in me that has remained the same. I am still idealistic as far as my relationship with my husband is concerned. I am still a hopeless romantic. Unlike the wife I met a few days ago who sees her life with utmost practicality, I am a hopeless romantic through and through.

I still expect now what I expected before we got married. I want to live with someone who wants to live with me. I want my husband to come home each day because he truly misses me and want to be with me Not just because it’s his obligation or he just feels guilty.

I want to see him smile because of me, because I make him happy. It’s devastating to see him smiling in front of me but he’s thinking of someone else who’s making him happy. It would be tough for both of us if he’s with me and yet his mind and heart is somewhere else. If that’s the case, he should just go where he finds happiness. He just have to tell me and I would let him go. He has the right to live a happier life. If he’s unhappy with me, I will set him free. He should not pretend, He should tell me.

I don’t know until when we would still be alive and together. But I do not want to waste our time together. I want to make the most out of our togetherness. We should be happy with each other, for our remaining days, months, years. Life is short, and for people who are approaching senior citizenship, life is even shorter.

I want to be valued and appreciated by my husband as a person, no matter how mundane, simple or humble my accomplishments and capabilities are.

Even at my old age now, I still want to hold hands, cuddle up, make akbay, kiss, hug. No matter how old, fat and ugly I would become, I want to feel wanted and loved not because I am his wife, but because he is still in love with me.

Guys would say yucks, asa ka pa, ambisyon, kakakilabot, but that’s me, as romantic as I can be. Yuck!

#hopelessromantic
#inlove