How to be F__ckable

This post contains language suitable for married senior citizens only.

I used to think that men’s chauvinistic tendencies are clear proof of their being the lesser sex. Most of them need women’s adulation to feel good about themselves. They need to be surrounded by women to feel complete. Some hallucinate that they are machos and this they brag among their peers. They pretend and appear that they are galloping stallions. They make their friends envious. Kunwari merong ABS, yun pala Ang Birdie Supot.

There are women also who do the same things. When in the company of their female friends, they giggle and talk about sexcapades. I was in a gathering one time and there’s one woman in her 60s who was telling us about how satisfied she was with her sex life. Ang lakas ng hang-up. I wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth or just putting up a front to mask her loneliness. Kawawa.

Men don’t strut around bragging about how f__ckable (pardon the term) their wife is.
Instead, they make fun of their wives. Old, tuyot, menopausal and all those unflattering regard to the women they married.

If one hears this, she would be crushed and offended. It would be difficult to swallow that the guy who used to adore you, now feels nauseated while kissing you. After he kissed, takbo na agad sa lababo at nagmu-mumog.

So what can a wife do to make herself physically attractive to the man sleeping beside her for 75 years? What would make him stop and smell the roses? Eh pano kung tuyut na tuyut na yung roses. It’s no longer a flower but potpourri or preserved marmalade.

Recently, I gave you tips on HOW TO BE KISSABLE. After the kissing, comes the loving.
After the loving? Labing-labing.

Here are some tips that I hope would help women become f___ckable in the eyes of her husband. This is for couples who are celebrating their dozens and dozens of anniversaries.

1. Take a bath BEFORE he arrives home. NOT when he’s already there.
By the time you finish, he would already be asleep. You lost your chance. When I was in college and staying in a dormitory, tuwing bilog ang buwan, our landlady would take a bath at 9 pm. Alam na namin yun. It’s lambingan night. Ahwoooooo!

2. Make sure you use organic body wash or soap and rinse your body very well. Kung may lahing butiki ang asawa mo and he licks your neck, kailangan mabango and no residue. Baka mapait at may chemicals, baka malason pa ang asawa mo. Wala na, ending agad.

3. Don’t be too obvious. Let him make the first move. You just set the mood. When you hear his car, sit on the bed with crossed legs, ililis (pull up) mo yung daster mo a little above the knee. Huwag kang pahalata that you are waiting for him. Do not make bukaka showing your ovary and fallopian tube. When I was little, my mom used to tell me to always keep my knees together. Baka daw mapasukan ng hangin ay umakyat sa ulo ko, maloloka daw ako.

4. Do not pretend to ignore his presence while walking around bottomless. That’s too obvious. “Ay, I forgot to wear panty”.
That’s so lame. He would get turned off. You’ll get a DUH! instead of a DO. Remember, an old woman no longer looks sexy walking around bottomless. Para tayong tinapang talup. Desperada.

5. If your husband scolds you for taking a bath at night, that means mababa ang IQ nya. Hindi nya gets. “Baka mapulmonya ka”.

6. Do not wear baby cologne, that’s not attractive to old people, pang teenager lang yan.

7. If after you’ve sprayed yourself with an expensive perfume and your husband asks bakit amoy bellas ka, that means mahilig sya sa bellas. Bakit alam na alam nya ang amoy.

8. If you are bungal, please make sure you wear your dentures on the night you are hoping for a sweet romance. Do not go to bed without your teeth. I don’t think anyone would want to kiss someone na walang ipin, puro ngala-ngala.

9. Do not wear denim shorts or long pajama to bed. Be reachable and accessible.

10. I’ve heard some women wear their wedding gown to bed to turn on their husband and as a re-enactment of their honeymoon night. Does that work? I will not argue if that’s effective in your case. If I do that, Edmund would surely carry me to the car and bring me to Mandaluyong.