I was shy and withdrawn when I was growing up. Even when I was already in college I hardly said anything when I was in a group. I only knew there was another talkative side of me when I was with my sister, with my brothers and sometimes, with a few close friends.
I only discovered the wilder side of me when I started working. When I had to go out and meet business people. I had full self-confidence and trust in my abilities. I never felt shy talking with top business people, billionaires, and even government officials.
Venturing into serious business endeavour changed me or rather triggered the opposite of my passiveness. I became more forceful and impatient. When you have to move people and make things happen, a lot of sweetness disappear in the process. Getting angry couldn’t be helped.
My theory was wrong. I thought older people are more patient, more understanding, more broadminded. In my case, I became oh yes more understanding, more broad-minded, more compassionate, but NEVER more patient. The more I became impatient. Mabilis kumulo dugo ko. I get angry easily just like before when I was younger.
Both my parents have tantrums. My sister does and me too. It’s in my genetic composition.
However, my being compassionate keeps my anger in check. Before, after, during my anger, I feel guilty getting mad at people most especially those who are below me. My mom told me (and I have mentioned this in my previous posts) ako ang nakaka-angat, ako ang mas mataas ang pinag-aralan, ako ang mas malawak dapat ang pang-intindi, kaya ako dapat ang magpapasensya, ako ang dapat umunawa. What she said keeps my anger in check. I try to be more patient. Try lang. Trying but always failing.
Anger is a vice that leads to more suffering. Perhaps we should find a path of less suffering.