Devirginization 101

Instead of the once a year protocol, I am advised to see the OB-GYNE every six months for check-up and pap-smear. I am not able to strictly follow that because I discovered it’s an activity that is far from pleasant. It’s like the same feeling that I have every time I think of mammography, on a different level. Worse.

In mammography, yung kakapiraso kong breasts are subjected to all sorts of baking styles. The female technician is like kneading an all purpose flour dough. Tila trained in baking.

I fear going to the OB-GYNE. Kaya while waiting for my turn at the doctor’s clinic, I speak to all the other people there to deviate my attention from the impending danger.

I make friends with the the other patients to remove my nerbyos. Same thing that I do when I am in the plane. Pagka medyo umalog-alog yung plane, after I have called all the saints and angels, I strike a conversation with my seatmate. Even if he’she is a total stranger and asleep, I bump the arm para magising. Kahit di ko kilala. “Hi, where are you going?” Even if it’s obvious we’re going to the same airport. “Oh really? what are you going to do in Boracay?” (magsi-swimming ano pa).

2:30-4pm Byahe from Makati to St. Luke’s QC

The doctor arrived at 4:30 pm.

4-6:10pm Waiting time. I was the 5th patient daw, but tila parang ang dami ng nakapasok. I have no PR with their secretaries, kaya I just patiently waited. Nakaalis lahat nung mga kinausap ko, tila I was the last patient na.

Dati ganyan din dun sa family doctor namin. I always waited for 2 hours. But when one time the secretary asked me to help her sell some of her art collections for her daughter’s tuition fee, I knew exactly who to contact- a friend of mine who loves art. Buti na lang. Ever since, hay, I always get bumped up to the top of the list of patients. No more waiting for a long time. Kaya every time she asks, I do not hesitate to help her kahit busy ako, I accommodate her right away.

I know the routine, remove the ty-pan, climb the tall but tiny examination bed. Parang hindi ako humihinga in anticipation of this devirginization 101 routine.

Doctora—— “Oh kumusta ka na? matagal kang hindi nagpunta”.
Omb———- “Busy”.
(Sinungaling ka Annie, hindi ka naman busy, takot ka lang.)
Secretary—- “Ang galing ni mam, isang akyat agad, naka tanggal na ang panty”
(What’s the correlation between climbing on the bed and removing the panty?)

Secretary—- “Hehehe, si mam, matangkad ka kasi kaya isang hakbang lang”.
Doctora—— “Yung ibang pasyente may tuntungan pa hindi pa rin maka akyat”.
(Hindi ako matangkad, takot lang kaya ang bilis kong naka akyat).

Oh my God, here she comes…….
Doctora—— “Ibuka mo Annie, ibuka mo pa”.
Omb———- “Ouch! Ouch”.
Doctora—— “Virgin pa?”
(Is she trying to be funny?”

Omb———- “Doctora ang sakit”.
Doctora—— “Masikip pa ano”.
(What the heck? Is she trying to flatter me?”
Doctora——- “Nagco-contact pa ba?”
(What shall I say? Hindi ako makapag-isip, I am writhing in pain.)
Before I could even think of an answer, her eshe comes again…
She inserted some metal thingy,
Omb———– “ay, ang sakit”.
I pinched my arm and and my thigh to transfer the pain, hopefully.
Doctora—— “Sandali lang Annie, sandali lang, malinis naman.
Omb———- hooo
Doctora—— “Gaano kayo madalas nag co-contact?”

Doctors double as sex therapists and marriage counselors.
What will I say? Oo doctora, 3x a day or 3 x a year?

It did not end there.
Doctora——– “Ilang taon na ba si mister?”

Oh no, what’s to follow? Kulambot na si mister?

I thought the worst had passed because she removed already the instrument.
Then she inserted what felt like her whole hand and arm, tila she’s trying to reach my intestines, liver and kidney. Ano ba yan, Dyos ko ang sakit.
Why did she have to do that? I wanted to pass out. Tila magbo-bowling ba sya sa sinapupunan ko?

The very first time I experienced that, I went to the toilet near her clinic and cried. Awang-awa ako sa sarili ko. Aside from the pain, I felt bad that she didn’t even tell me what she was going to do inside my kaluluwa. Basta kinalikut eh ang sakit sakit. This time, I went to the toilet, but it was so bantot, I went out agad, I didn’t have time to emote and cry. Pero naka simangot ako. Feeling hagulgol pa rin.

Last patient

There are many things women go through that men don’t.

When Edmund came home, I was sitting on our bed.
Omb————“Tart, ang sakit ng _ek_ek ko.”
E————– “Bakit?”
Omb———— “Kinalikut ni doctora?”
E————– “Si Dra.____ nagpunta ka dun?”
Omb———— “Yah, sa St. Luke’s”.
E————– “Bakit?”
Omb———— “pap smear, Eh over due na. Ang sakit”.

He didn’t say anything na. I was silently begging for compassion. Wala, walang epek. Wawa naman ako.