Hindi pa nadala

My mom used to say “ang mag-asawa ay hindi biro. Hindi ito kanin na pagnaisubo mo at napaso ka eh basta mo na lang iluluwa”. In our marriage, when the going got so tough for me, I just cried. Or like what my mom said, lulunukin mo na lang ang sama ng loob mo. I am sure there were times when Edmund did the same thing, nilulunok na lang din nya ang sama ng loob nya sa akin.

I watched Jimmy Fallon’s delayed telecast of The Tonight Show. His special guest was former first lady Michelle Obama. She was promoting her top-selling book Becoming. She mentioned that she and Pres. Obama had marriage counseling. She said marriage is hard.

Michelle Obama said she realized that for her to be happy, she must be comfortable in her own person. I forgot her exact words. But more or less, we women must find our own self-worth and not expect our happiness to come from our husband. But many times our sadness comes from them. It couldn’t be helped sometimes.

And she thought she’s perfect and Obama was the one needed to be fixed. In our case, it was Edmund who thought in the beginning that he was perfect and I was not. I was shocked when he said that. He thought that I was lucky to have found him. That made me understand a little bit of our situation. Kaya pala, kala nya siguro malas sya kasi ako ang napangasawa nya. Kawawa naman. Na-guilty tuloy ako at bakit sa dami ng manliligaw ko eh sya ang pinili ko. I felt like I stole his chance of finding someone better, a woman more perfect and more deserving of his name. Hindi ko na tinanong kung anu-ano ang ayaw nya sa akin at baka tatlong oras na hindi pa sya tapos maglitanya. Baka I would lose my self-worth. Maawa pa ako sa sarili ko. Pangit ba ako? After digesting what he just said, I told myself, there is no other person on this planet that would value me as me other than me.

And what is a perfect woman? 5’9 tall, a la Catriona Gray and Pia Wurtzbach, whistle-bait figure, kasing ganda ni Jennifer Lawrence, model ng Pantene shampoo o yung shampoo pang-alis ng kuto, kilometric curved lashes, kutis percelana o kutis Lyna, sa puti at ganda ng mga ipin ay akala mo nakapustiso, 189 IQ, maayos sa loob ng bahay pwedeng mayor doma. Hindi ako yan. Kulang ako sa sukat pero sobra naman ako sa kasiksikan. I have a lot of pluses I know that. But pluses are like beauty in the eyes of the beholder. Depende yan sa tingin ng asawa natin. And usually, one no longer sees beauty when you see it every day. From then on, I just did whatever I thought would make me happy without any validation from my husband.  I set myself free. If he didn’t like me then he didn’t like me. If he loves me then he loves me. Ganun na lang.

After a few years of being married my husband said he realized that he was wrong. He is not the one perfect but I am. Hmm, a 180-degree turn. Well, we’re married, fate brought us together. It doesn’t matter who’s perfect (not one of us), and who’s imperfect (both of us).

And me? I am me, here’s me, just me, this is me. I am me anywhere I am. Be it at home, in the office, outside traveling, hobnobbing with people in high and low places, this is Annie C. Tan-Yee, the real me, the one and only. Far from being perfect. Not the worst either. The most perfectly imperfect person one could ever find.

Living with each other for 35 years, hindi pa kami nadala. Add the 6 1/2 years na mag-boyfriend kami. We still want to remind ourselves of our wedding vows. No more vows. Whatever vows we’ve made 35 years ago had either been achieved, done, or broken.

We also didn’t have wedding rings. Our original wedding rings were stolen by one of our maids together with several watches and fine jewelry. We didn’t bother to have new ones made. For our renewal of vows, we were too busy to prepare. It was only a day before that I read the requirements. Rings. Kailangan daw merong rings. Kahit mumurahin sana sa JC Penny or Macy’s or kahit peks wala.  We didn’t know that there were rings for sale at the wedding venue.

We survived 35 years of marriage without wearing our wedding rings. That means having fancy rings is not a factor in our relationship. Having said that, rings are symbols. We need symbols. Di ba sabi ni Jay Leno, dapat merong promise ring, tapos engagement ring, tapos wedding ring, tapos suffering.