I had dinner a few weeks ago with some of the most beautiful and multi-awarded women in town.
While I was seated at my assigned seat, one ultra-successful lady told me that I am lucky in love.
I always get comments that my marriage is an exception to the many broken relationships nowadays. I swear it’s not. Edmund and I are actually sick and tired of each other. We just try to live with it.
An acquaintance came up to our table to introduce her dashing Caucasian husband and someone asked her “pang-ilan mo na syang husband”. It sounded brutal but I knew that there was no intention to offend although it was too frank. Kasi majority of the women we know are either into their second union, happily separated, having a relationship, ecstatically single, newly married to a second husband, finally annulled, engaged for the third time, and many other complicated combinations.
We talked about what could be the reasons for the failed first marriages. The unsuccessful journey in searching for that forever love.
Young couples are still growing up themselves, still finding what they want in their lives. They are still searching for their own place on earth. They still want to discover what’s out there. Faced with the huge responsibility of raising a family and earning money, this put a lot of pressure on them. Money is a big strain during the first marriage. They are not yet stable and the kids’ education, running a whole household, and the mounting bills, are priorities.
Last night I counted the years that Edmund and I have been married. Nanay ko ang haba na ng tinakbo ng panahon.
To be honest, the long years we’ve been living in the same house don’t equate to the number of years that we’ve been living in marital bliss.
When you greet a couple “Happy 100TH Anniversary”, that includes the unhappy years too.
While many young lovers produced babies during the pandemic lockdown, Edmund and I improved our relationship in a negative way. We are now more vocal in expressing our disagreements in the most unimportant things. We’d rather argue about the color of a bird than preserve our romantic relationship. We no longer mind antagonizing each other. We just don’t care kung sino ang mainis. We are tired of being nice to each other. It’s tiring to be diplomatic. We just want to argue for the sake of arguing. Our tolerance level is directly proportionate to the government’s Alert Levels on Covid infections.
We don’t care anymore to listen to what the other person is saying. We’ve lost our interest in the other person’s thoughts and feelings. We find every idea unimportant that we can’t sit and listen, not pretending to be listening, but actually listening. We’ve become too busy, too good, and too informed that we unconsciously make the other person feel less knowledgeable. Who watches Youtube channels, and Googles more frequently?
Let’s go to politics. From the beginning, we share the same candidate. We vote for the same people. We don’t dissect why. Basta yung ang iboboto namin. EXCEPT for this past presidential election. Before the candidates could even file their respective certificates of candidacy, there was already friction. Magkaiba kasi kami ng boto, akala nya. But so what? November pa lang, umaga pa lang, inaaway na ako dahil sa ayaw nya sa iboboto ko. In November, the person I was considering voting for was the same person he wanted to vote for. But because he was too intense, ay ayoko na sa iboboto nya. Dun ako sa ayaw nya. What’s the problem here? Both of us no longer are concerned about antagonizing one another. Mainis ka ba pakialam ko. And a happy couple’s attitude should not be like that ideally. But because our respect and empathy obviously have waned, we didn’t mind irritating one another.
During arguments or even during simple discussions on just about anything, at least we don’t talk at the same time. One is quiet not because that person is listening but because he/she is only waiting for his/her turn to talk again to express his/her own point. When our voices overlap, the other person would say “teka patapusin mo muna ako.”
See? Marriage is the most overrated thing. I honestly don’t know how people survive their daily lives living with someone you constantly disagree with. Why punish each other by going through this annoying day, tomorrow, and the next? This is not a relaxed life. You go to bed, feeling hay salamat ang tahimik ng paligid, then you wake up and repeat the drill. Why is that?
Is it because you had a really strong foundation that constant bickerings and irritations can’t shake up your marriage? And what constitutes a strong foundation? Married for love? For money? Convenience? Kids? Comfort zone? The test of time?
Oh by the way, now that I mentioned married for money or convenience, Oh my Buhay has an obsessed reader. Mahirap lang daw ako nakapag-asawa lang ng mayaman that’s how I got this comforts. Hmmm, let’s just reserve that kwentuhan next time.
Going back to what constitutes a happy marriage, the answer would be very long and tiring.
I’ve been asked many times about Edmund and I’s formula. Walang formula. But here are a few things I personally think would help keep you together, not just being physically together, but happy together.
1. Hold hands, this reminds you who your partner is. Who you are with. When together, it keeps you aware that this person is your rock, and you hold on to each other. You are friends, you are together. You like each other. This also makes you focus, sino ba kasamahan mo, hindi yung naglalakad kayo eh nasa telepono ang dalawang kamay.
2. Don’t forget to be intimate. Sit side by side. Lean on each other’s shoulders. Touch each other. Hugs hugs hugs. Give each other a warm embrace before you part in the morning and when you see each other at night. Huwag yung ang layu-layo nyo lagi sa isa’t isa. Lalayo din ang loob nyo sa isa’t isa. Cuddle, hug, kiss. You used to do this a lot when you were still dating. And back then how you wished you could do it more frequently. When you got married, you stopped doing this anymore. Dati, magkadikit kayo when watching a movie or tv, “lumapit ka nga dito, ang layo mo naman”, now it’s “umusog ka nga, ang lagkit mo”. That started the two of you drifting apart. That affected your relationship.
3. Take time for each other. Go out together as frequent as possible. Don’t make it a routine that is imposed. Oh, sinula ngayon tuwing Myerkoles, manonood tyao ng sine. Wednesday comes, can we just stay home, I am tired. Sige next week na lang. And then you forget and feel why go out? Mahirap ang parking, anong gagawin natin sa mall, wala naman tayong pupuntahan don. Dude! it’s not the mall, it’s the two of you bonding together. Kahit umupo lang kayo sa likod bahay, it’s moments spent renewing your togetherness. Simply put, dapat maging magbarkada kayong dalawa hindi lang mag-asawa.
4. We all enjoy looking at what other people are doing and saying thru social media. We love Facebook, Instagram, podcasts, vlogs, and Youtube, and yet we fail to listen to what our partner wants to kwento to us. Kahit walang kwenta, pakinggan natin. Wala syang Youtube channel, he/she wants one listener only. She/ he doesn’t dream of becoming an influencer. She/he is not interested to earn millions online. Wala syang pakialam kung wala syang follower. Isa lang ang gusto nya, one follower, one listener. IKAW.
5. Kiss each other good night. The covid scare trained us to keep 6 feet distance. Hahah pero siguro naman negative antigen tests kayo pareho. So kiss each other good night or kung ayaw mo ng kiss, hug na lang.
