In memoriam, my Mother

My mother is known in our town as Ka Felicing, Tiya Felicing, Lola Felicing, ‘insan Felicing. I used the word “is” because until now, many still remember her and ask me “Kumusta si Tiya Felicing?”

She’s been dead for about fourteen years now and yet I still cry every time I think of her. It’s a complex mix of emotions.

Guilt, compassion, love, appreciation and regret.

Guilt for the millions of things I could have done to please her.
Compassion for her pains and battles in her own life and the difficulties of raising six children.
Admiration for her creativity, hard work and entrepreneurial spirit in putting up micro-businesses to help my father give us a comfortable life.
Love for the woman who was sincerely generous, selfless and made a lot of sacrifices for her children’s welfare.
Appreciation for her kindness to others, true love and devotion to her family. I may have disagreed at that time with her authoritarian style, but I now fully understand why.
Regret that she’s no longer around. There are many things I want to give her and bring her to but she’s not here anymore. I want to bring her to the tiangge, I think she would enjoy that. I want to bring her to the Vatican. It’s her birthday today and I want to bring her to the mall. She can max-out my credit card limit and I wouldn’t mind.

Two weeks ago, I toyed with the idea of inviting my mother’s friends and some close relatives from Binangonan in celebration of her birthday. I have to provide maybe three big vans for their travel comfort. Nung naisip ko na most of them may either be dead, sickly, bedridden, and not capable of traveling to Manila, I scrapped the idea. One of these days I would do that, pero I would make it a double celebration, her birthday and my father’s birthday.

In memoriam.

Happy birthday Ma.