How to be Kissable

Young sweethearts grab every opportunity to steal a kiss. Anywhere, every where. Inside every dark place, movie houses, in the mall, in the car, elevator, hallway, toilet, kahit saan. Even in the midst of throngs of people. They buy a candy and split it. Not physically divide the candy but they eat it together while they kiss. Whoa, yucky? No, for two people who are deliriously in-love, that is sweet, kilig, kinky yes, but exciting.

But when you’ve been together for so long, you can’t expect that it would be the same. Never. Or else you would just be frustrated and disappointed. Impossible for your husband to feel the same way. If his body is aching from aging, his stress level is higher than his bumbunan, no more kissing and necking like you were in college. Dah! Ang tagal na nun, so we women should stop believing that we are still that kissable.

However, no matter our status and age, we, emotionally and psychologically imbalanced wives still think that we are as adorable and desirable as before. Before means during the height of Rico Puno’s career.

So how do we balance the fact that YES, we know our husband still loves us but is no longer crazy over us because we always drive him crazy, how do we make ourselves kissable so our spouse would still feel the urge to kiss us?

My tips may not work 100% but I think this might make a difference:

1. Unless your lips are naturally plump like Angelina Jolie, I do not believe that having fake plump lips would make you desirable in the eyes of your husband. Never. He would just look at you with disdain. He would never get turned on by botoxed lips.

2. . Do not go to the dentist together.
3. Do not open your mouth wide to proudly show your husband your new pasta.
4. Do not tell him how much he’s going to shell out for your new dentures.
5. Do not share toothbrushes and toothpastes.

6. Buy two candies. Instead of getting excited with the thought of rolling one candy from your mouth to his, he would be turned-off. “Mahalay ka” that’s what Edmund told me after I broached the idea of sharing a Fruitella.

7. Fresh breath is of utmost importance. Actually, dapat hindi fresh breath, dapat NO breath. It’s a total turn-off when your breath smells like Pepsodent, Colgate, dapat walang brand. “Sensodyne yan?”
The smell would distract him. Don’t breathe instead. Hold your breath as long as you can if his face is close enough. Then tell him, “Darling, resuscitate me”. Di ba cheesy? See if it works. If it doesn’t, sorry.

8. Do not try to act like a hore by blowing kisses on his face. Ngek ang baduy mo. If you were celebrating your monthserry, he would find that cute. Pero after 47 years? No way. Mapuwing pa yun. That’s risky too. Your dentures might come out of your mouth when you blow. The more you wouldn’t merit a kiss.

9. Do not slurp when you kiss. That’s growse. You only slurp when eating maple syrup on pancakes, not when you want your husband to live with you for the next 100 years.

10. Do not let your laway drip. Growse again.

11. When you’ve finally enticed your husband to kiss you, do not overdo it by exploring his mouth with your tongue. He would shiver, not from excitement, but from kadirs. Do not roll your tongue around his teeth. “Darling, magalasgas pala ang mga ipin mo?”

12. Do not invade the insides of his mouth too much. Never poke and push the inside of his cheeks with your tongue. Ano yun? That’s horrible.

13. And in the same manner, do not stick your tongue out too far
into his mouth. No use trying to reach his lalamunan. Ano ka si Zuma? Ma choke pa yun, ma-ubo.

Remember, if BEFORE, your boyfriend kissed you at the very first opportunity, NOW, that he’s your husband of 100 years, he avoids kissing you all the time. His definition of kissing have changed too, kala nya kiss sa NOO. Ang necking nya ngayon ay kiss sa batok.

So in the rare event that you are able to successfully encourage him to kiss you on the lips, in the mouth, make sure you don’t turn him off, otherwise, you would wait for the next presidential election for him to do it again. Good luck.