We always hear and say that life is too short. It is. To many, it’s even shorter.
I lost my Kuya Romy on February 5 this year. I didn’t expect that he would die just two months after he was operated on. But then again, that’s what we really are. We do not expect that death will come soon. We expect it to come later. In fact, we really don’t expect it to come at all. Sometimes we go on with our lives as if our journey never ends. We always prepare for the future, but never our ending.
In August, we bought the most expensive plot of land for what we mortals call resting place. I am not going to rest there. I do not want to. I want to have an eternal rest in heaven, a place Catholics believe we will have the ultimate happiness and contentment. Even with that promise and belief, we choose to stay on earth with all the challenges, heartaches, and stresses life brings.
Me and my husband had a wellness check in November at a clinic in Tokyo. They took several vials of blood from our arms. In two weeks, they emailed the results. Whahh, I have diabetes which I already knew, but another health scare came. That I have high pancreatic enzyme which according to Google, is a definite cancer of the pancreas. Not all information found on Google are reliable, but they sure scare us to death. So how did I process the prospect that I could die anytime? Lahat ng kilala ko na merong cancer of the pancreas ay patay na. A high school batchmate of mine died in her 30s, two months after the discovery. Some died two weeks after the cancer had been discovered. So in my mind, Dyos ko po, aabot pa ba ako ng 3rd birthday ng apo ko or matitigok na ako? One will never know.
I went to two doctors in Cardinal Santos for a second and third opinion, and I also had another round of blood tests, including a pancreatic tumor marker. The blood test I will repeat in February. Aside from the pancreatic cancer scare, my liver is severely fatty. So am I dying soon? I hope not. I want to be around this chaotic earth still, for two dozen more years. But then, I don’t dictate how long shall I still live. It’s only the heavens. Not me. The one who placed me on this planet has the only say until when I will be around. I can make pakiusap, but He has the final say.
My friend Atty. Dennis Gregory Mesina passed away unexpectedly. Every time I lose someone dear to me my heart is filled with regrets. Sayang, nung invite ng invite si Dennis sa amin ni Edmund na pumunta sa San Francisco for dinner, puro ayaw ko kasi takot kami pumunta dahil nga ang taas ng crime.
Sayang, sana my mother was still alive so that I’ll bring her to Greenhills Shopping Center for a one-to-sawa shopping at the tiangge. Sayang, sana I accompanied my papa to his birthplace in China. Sayang, puro sayang.
Instead of sayang, sana I should have went all out. Pero too late na.
Lately, I’ve been giving away things even to strangers. Lagi ako merong P50, P100 in my bag. Abot dito, abot duon. Limos dito, limos duon. I observe people’s faces when I am on the road. Siguro marami aburido, hindi alam kung saan sila kukuha ng pera. Siguro some don’t even have fifty bucks. But they are healthy and they are alive.
Death does not choose when to come I think. It has its own schedule. And why did I say that? Kasi it comes even on Christmas day, New Year, birthdays. This past few weeks until today, ang daming namatay. I hope I don’t die on a special occasion. I want to have my own death anniversary.
It boggles my mind why death days are celebrated and no longer birthdays after the person dies. Dapat birthdays na lang. Happy birthday to you, we don’t greet people Happy Death! Para bang natuwa ka na namatay yung tao. Let’s celebrate na lang pag birthday, whether the persons is dead or alive.
I know I have a lot to thank for not only for the blessings we received this 2024, but even the decades prior. But I can’t help but have a tinge of sadness in my heart at this moment thinking of my parents and my siblings. We are no longer complete. I can only pray that my fear of losing another loved one will not happen anytime soon.
I pray for good health, mental and physical strength, long life for myself and for my three remaining siblings and all our respective families. May we live long, strong, healthy and happy.
(Family reunion photo on August 24, 2024)
