I am neither a love guru nor a marriage counsellor. But many have shared with me their problems with their partners.
People probably think I have wisdom or I mean well that’s why they don’t hesitate to confide their situations.
The romantic month of February is finished and we are now into the more contemplative mood of Holy Week.
Couples’ frustrations with their spouses are magnified. Siya ang penitensya ko. Sya ang kalbaryo ko.
Araw-araw Byernes Santo dahil sa kanya.
The word complicated is the modern term now for separated or divorced or those with left and right relationships.
Our lives are indeed complicated even those who are living happily with their respective spouses. So many things come into play. Work, parenthood, household management, in-laws and out-laws, social life, community involvement, individualities, money.
Work- hindi maiwasan na maiuwi ang problema. Stress, tired, exhausted, too much worries.
Parenthood- this can be a real challenge to couples. How to divide the responsiblities, who takes the lead, bad cop good cop roles, jealousy, etc. Two immature parents dealing with growing children could spell d i v i d e .
Household management- coming from two very different backgrounds, completely different orientations, living standards, expectations etc. Does the husband expect a good meal breakfast, noon and night? Does he have the old chauvinistic idealism that he got married so someone could take care of him? Prepare his meals, iron his clothes, make him coffee, cut his toe nails, give him foot reflexology? Some men even prefers the wife giving him a hair cut.
In-laws out-laws – meddle too much or too little? Bad or good influence? Need to support them too because they don’t have the means?
Social Life- spouse still goes out a lot with his friends. Wife leaves husband at night to hang-out at clubs? partner gets too close for comfort with the dancing partner. Mahjong days and nights? Bingo-rock. Husband enjoys nights out with old buddies, drinking. Golf widows or sports buffs. Spouses who spend most of their days in the gym. Badminton partner of wife is not the husband?
Community involvement- politics, meetings, dinners, fund raising events. Prayer rallies and out of town conferences without the spouse. Volunteer works that the other partner doesn’t enjoy or support.
Money- It’s too stressful to have no money. When the bills start piling up, worries affect the whole body including the heart. Stomachs churn, your mind is just too engrossed thinking of how you can meet your obligations. This affects ones’ moods. No money no honey, it’s as simple as that. Period. Too much money could also create discord.
Having a lot of money does not guarantee a good relationship. Money is only one aspect although a big factor.
Individualities- Couples often forget they they are two strangers living together. They came from nowhere and now they share plates, beddings and toilets. One slams the door while the other one still sleeps. Wife likes the temperature in their bedroom wintertime, while the husband quivers and catches cold. One is makalat, the other one is a cleanliness freak. Husband thinks he doesn’t need to groom himself anymore, but wife is turned-off by his repulsive smell, etc.
The list could go on and on. It’s a bottomless situation. If the marriage is falling apart, there is no single guide on what to do. Every situation varies. It’s only the respective couple who could provide for the answers, maybe not even.
I would like to share with you my what to do list in case one day you find yourself with a spouse wanting to leave you.
I know it is easier said than done, but this is only my own guide. I don’t even know if I would be able to follow this if something like that happens to me. But it’s better to write this down now while my head is still clear and my emotions are not yet filled with sadness.
1. Do not be shocked. Be still. Be calm. Be quiet. There’s nothing you could do or say at this point that could change his heart or mind. Presume that he or she had thought about it long and hard. Just accept it.
2. Believe. Do not act dellusional that this could not be happening. Accept it. Yes it’s real.
3. No blaming. Do not blame yourself. The two of you both have faults otherwise your marriage would not have failed. But too late to blame yourself so better not. Do not feel you’re the ugliest person in the world. Thousands of men
do not leave their wives just because of looks. If you really feel ugly, then just accept it. There’s nothing more you could do. Too late to run to Belo. And your husband will never appreciate your new look. He would just secretly despise you. If he leaves you for a 25 gorgeous girl, who’s 5’9 37-24-37. Wala ka ng magagawa dun. You cannot compete. Accept you will never get any taller, prettier, sexier and younger. Your value as a person does not depend on those things. So drop your self- pity.
4. Do not beg for him/her to stay with you. Baka mahiya lang or ma-guilty for a few days, tapos eventually, iiwan ka din nun, so hayaan mo nang umalis. Mahirap yung napipilitan lang. My guiding point from day one is I want him to be with me because he wants to not because he has to. UUwi nga pero iba naman ang gustong makasama, ano yun, para kang namamalimos ng pag tingin. So mabuti pa hindi na sya umuwi.
5. Cry, grieve. Okay lang. But limit it. At some point you have to stop. Force yourself to be active, deviate your attention. Remember that aloneness is not loneliness.
6. Pray. Ask for guidance and strength. After the grieving and crying. Wipe your tears.
7. Change environment. If your spouse abandons your residence, do not stay there and subconsciously hope he would come back. Do not reminisce the times he was still in your bedroom, bathroom, walking around your house. Sell that house or rent it out. Build or move to a new place that is equally nice. New home, new beginning.
If it’s not possible to change residence, leave town for a while, visit relatives, friends in far away places. If you don’t have the means, kahit malapit lang basta maiba lang ng konti ang paligid.
8. No matter how old you are, think that it’s the start of a new life……. without him.
