I’m not good enough

dina

Submitted on 2012/11/19 at 4:05 pm

hi Annie,
I am Dina, a late-40′s business owner here in Manila and a full-time mom to 2 lovely daughters. I am also their cook, their yaya, their tutor when they were young and will be their personal love and life advisor in the future (and I hope it will not be too soon).
I found you through remembranceofthingsawry last September. There was a link to your post on Annabelle R.’s house and bags. I clicked the link and I was hooked ever since.
What I love about your blog is It’s so refreshing!
You are so down to earth. Your children are all grown up and can lead their own separate lives yet I can see that they very much cherish spending time with you. You are blessed with a husband that goes to mass with you and takes you to dinner dates.
If you were my daughter I would be so very, very proud of you!
Keep it up. I would be a fan for as long as you will be blogging.
I hope to meet you someday

Dear Dina,

I choked-up when you said if I were your daughter you would be very proud of me. You touched something that’s buried deep down in my heart.
I couldn’t help but think of my parents, most especially my mother. When I was growing up kasi I caused my parents a lot of worries. My mom had the habit of comparing me with our neighbors that she thought were nicer, kinder, prettier, smarter, respectful to parents, etc. Lahat na ng good qualities meron, Ako lahat, wala. Many times she would rant at how disappointed she was in having me and how she regretted asking God for a daughter. They had 5 sons, one died a few hours after he was born, then I arrived after more than 10 years, then another girl, Aileen. “Kung nalaman ko lang na ikaw ang ibibigay sa akin sana hindi na ako nagka-anak ng babae”. “Kung alam ko lang na ganyan ka, sana nung pagka panganak mo pa lang, tinadtad na kita ng pinung-pino”.
(I am sorry but remembering these things really make me cry.)

She had no qualms about telling me how disappointed she was. Ilang beses na rin nya ako pinalayas. Syempre, I did not move, where would I go. She even told me one time “kung pwede lang daw ipagpalit nya ako”. Sana iba na lang ang naging anak nya, malas daw sya at ako ang naging anak nya.

And why was she so mad at me? Expectations. Failed expectations. Yung iba honor students. Yung iba they heard mass together as a family. Yung iba laging nakaayos at naka pustura, ako naka saboy ang buhok sa mukha. I had a boyfriend, and she was probably scared that I would end up not finishing college.

Pero kung buhay lang ang mama ko ngayon, dapat nalaman sana nya na yung neighbor namin na akala nya ay mas mabuting anak, honor student nga palagi pero napaka sama pala ng ugali. My brother, who never said anything negative about anyone, told me that neighbor of ours is “diablo”. For my brother to say that, I am 100% sure that our dating kapitbahay really deserves to be called diablo. There’s really no better word to describe her. Maybe demonyang kapitbahay na diablo.

Despite hurling hurtful words at me, I knew my mother loved and cared for me. She was just probably so stressed out with her role as a mother of 6, wife, managing our household and helping my father earn a good living. Ako lang siguro ang napagbuntunan. She probably had the best intentions but wrong execution.

In everything that I do, or in the little things that I accomplished, there was never a feeling of “proudness” in me. At wala naman akong naiisip na dapat kong ipagmayabang. The phrase “I hope they would be proud of me” does not exist in my consciousness. I don’t know why. It’s not about humility. It’s just that I do not want anyone to make me feel parang wala akong kwenta, na parang I do not have value in this world. To begin with, I never asked to be born. But I just found myself here on earth. So I just try to live in my own solitude. As long as hindi ako pabigat sa ibang tao, then okay na ako.