Jittery and Anxious

I’ve been feeling jittery and anxious these past couple of days. There were two instances when I felt claustrophobic in our masters bedroom and for a split second I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was restless and agitated.

I couldn’t sleep the other night. I was up till 5 in the morning. Higa, tayo, higa ulit, tayo uli.

I went out of the room and sat at the stairs for several minutes.

Then I grabbed a chair and sat down in front of the altar. I didn’t pray, I was too tired to recite perfunctory prayers we learned in school. I just sat there, hoping God could read my mind and what’s troubling my heart.

I checked the candle in my son’s room. Okay pa sya, malakas pa ang battery.

We always have a glass of water on our bedside. Ayaw kong in the middle of the night eh basta ko na lang iinumin, baka merong lumundag na ipis or bubuwit eh mainom ko. Gaya nung nasa isang hotel kami sa Baguio, merong bubuwit lumundag sa loob ng baso ko, eh kung hindi ko nakita. Dyos ko.

I walked closer to the window to see if there’s ipis or rat in my glass.
It’s misty.

I couldn’t sleep. I turned on the tv and watched CNN for a few minutes. Then turned it off and went out of the room again. Dahan-dahan, I didn’t want to disturb Edmund’s sleep.

I went down and looked for food. Ate an orange. Kulang. I got one more.

These oranges are sweet. Who eats oranges at 3 am?

Para akong multo.

Multong naka daster na tig-two hundred pesos sa tiangge.
One pair of slippers is missing.

At 4 pm, it’s bright outside.

We always light the stairs and hallways. Buti pa Snoopy, Peter Smith doggie, red bear and sunflower, they look happy.

The sunflower and the green pea shooter were gifts from my kids.

It’s almost 5 am, I went back to the room. I could hear my husband’s snore from the hallway.

Still, I couldn’t sleep. I turned on the light and opened the Bible. I saw this old paper medallion my son received after he attended a mini bible study at the church’s sacristy. Ang cute nya.

Mother and son were both cute.

This morning over breakfast, I mentioned to my husband that I really feared that one day he would find me praning na. I couldn’t sleep and am having anxiety moments. What’s bothering me daw. Ayun, na lecturan na naman ako.

There’s just too much to think about. My mind is in overdrive. It needs some clearing up of overloads.

Hindi daw ibibigay ang problema kung hindi kaya. I am sorry but I don’t buy that adage. It doesn’t apply to everyone. Not every person could handle their respective problems. Hindi lahat ng tao ay kinakaya ang kanilang problema. Maraming gumagapang sa bigat ng mga problema sa buhay nila. Wala lang silang magagawa kundi harapin at tanggapin. They just have no choice but to deal with it. Pero hindi ibig sabihin ay kaya nila.