I had so many failures in life. So many mistakes. So many regrets.
I can write a thousand things that I am not capabale of doing. In contrast, I will have difficulty filling up a bond paper for the things that I am good at. Madalas naiisip ko, parang my capabilities are so limited. Hindi parang, kundi talaga! My talents are miniscule unlike others whose talents are so well defined.
Mine aren’t. Many times I even wondered, do I even have any? Maybe, but I am not aware of it.
I cannot define what I am good at. There is no single field that I am a master of. I just know how to do things- a little bit of this and a little bit of that. To appease myself, at least I am not a liability to this world and to the people around me.
Kung hindi man ako nakakatulong, at least hindi ako nakakabigat.
My birthday is coming in May and although my age is still in the lotto numbers, I feel I wasted many years. And parang konti na lang ang natitira. Will I get to live till 60? 70? 80? or even 99 like Bong’s Lola?
If what we’ve heard of about eternal life is true- that St. Peter is the gate keeper and every soul that comes would be asked, I would feel embarrassed when I reached the gate of heaven. What would I say when the Gods ask me what I have done with the life that was generously given to me by God.
What will I say? Baka matunaw ako sa hiya sa dami ng maling-maling diskarte ko, mali-maling perceptions, mali-maling desisyon, mali-maling paniniwala at pananaw. Medyo marami-raming mali.
I think I am stagnating. As the days passed, I am not able to improve myself and do things better. Para bang I fell into an abyss. Ganito pa rin ako. Walang pagbabago, kumukupas lang parang dekolor na palda na napatakan ng Zonrox. The only change that I see is when I look at myself in the mirror. sobrang daming kulubot, sobrang tanda ko na. Knowing that I would only be around for, let’s say 20 more years (I hope), so what shall I do to make the world a better place with my presence?
What shall I do to improve my work, my self, my life? How can I be a better person? A better wife? A better mom? A better boss? Would my efforts even matter? And what does being a better person truly means? I think I can still improve in the better mom department. To become a better wife would need some participation from my other half. Would he even notice the difference and appreciate it? Would it even matter at this point? To be a better boss would require efforts from our staff, they should also be better employees. So where else could I improve?
Shall I draw a master plan on how to maximize the next decades? Short term plan (10 years) Medium term (20 years), and Long-term plan (30 years)? Is this what they call a bucket list?
Ayokong tumanda (although matanda na ako talaga) ng walang pinagkatandaan.
And I certainly do not want God to regret having created me.
I must do something with my life. But what?
Good morning Ms. Annie! This post is like a mental challenge for me. Parang I’ve read one of your earlier posts that sounds like this. All I know is I want to live a fruitful life like yours. I always think of how you raise your kids, what were your techniques in raising good kids whenever my teen makes me speechless (i think the changes are due to puberty, kaso he’s being masakit sa ulo sometimes na). How did you manage to be a mom, businesswoman, etc., you took so many roles and still you are good! Kaya this post somehow confounds me :). Siguro you’re in that senti mood again. But I want to be an ACTY, kahit small version lang kasi you are BIG in my eyes. Life is short, and I want to get my self going na para kahit kunti magawa ko ang mga gusto kong mangyari hindi yong puro ako wish na lang, inspite of the problems that seem to pop from nowhere minsan . . .