Crying Bride

All of a sudden what was intended to be fun was no longer fun.  Parang tutoong kasalan.  I began to feel the seriousness of being married.  The pastor’s prepared speech touched my heart.  He was talking about a couple’s love and commitment to each other.

Ours was not an ideal marriage.  If there is one.  We got married without any guidebook.  We didn’t go to a seminar to know what to do and what not to do. How to do this and not to do that.  We just chugged along.  We were both growing up as individuals and being married didn’t make us one person.  We were still two very different persons trying to blend well and live a life together as a couple who were brought together by love and friendship.  Since we’ve been going steady as sweethearts for almost 6 years we thought we would make a perfect couple. We thought marriage was as simple as that.  But no, never.  It had a lot of twists, turns, surprises, shocks.   It also had lots of fun times, sweet and memorable moments.  But there were moments of regret and,  desire to escape.

When we were still dating I thought Edmund was my best friend.  He was.  But after we got married,  things changed.  He probably felt trapped.  I reacted and felt that way too.  I think for a long time we stopped being friends.  We were just there,  physically present but were not actually into each other.   We were not connecting.  There was a time when I felt the two of us were just housemates.  The real friendship disappeared. We were not fighting but we were just not close.  I didn’t feel he was my old best friend.  We grew apart.  I also lost my capacity to absorb and be patient.  He too.   Before,  when we had issues we would sit down for a few minutes and he would patiently deal with it.  After ten years he started yelling at me instead of explaining.    If before I kept quiet when there were things that offended me,  this time I began to argue.  I just didn’t care if he would get irritated.   I didn’t care how and what he would feel because I felt he was also like that to me.  Edmund is an alpha male and I am an alpha female.  Walang magpapatalo,  pero marunong din kaming magparaya.  Those two have different meanings.

Michelle Obama said if you’ve been married for 50 years and 10 of that was horrible,  you’re doing great.  You’re really doing great as a couple.  That’s an 80% success rate.  That was similar to what Edmund had told me that as long as the happy times is more than the sad then it’s okay.  Huwag daw lang yung mas malamang ang away.   In our 35 years,  I can’t quantify how many years were horrible because what could be horrible to me might be okay with my husband.  Maybe to me, there were terrible moments but to him, those could be okay moments.  I cannot accurately put the success of our marriage in some mathematical diagram.

There were a few times that I wanted to walk out and live away from him but I didn’t.  I am sure he also felt that way for reasons he only knew.

After 35 years those petty reasons were no longer relevant.   They’ve become a blur as we aged.  We are still together and enjoying things together.   Three decades didn’t make us one individual.  I am still very much me and he is still Edmund.

Our renewal of vows was really supposed to be just for fun but during the ceremony I became emotional and I couldn’t control my tears. I couldn’t look at Edmund because I didn’t want him to know my tears were falling. Baka sabihin ano ba yan masyado ko namang feel na feel.  Baka sabihin nya sineryoso ko naman.  When it became evident that I was indeed crying, I told them “nagsisisi”.  My sister said bakit si Edmund eh tawa ng tawa.  Eh kasi sya tuwang-tuwa.

E—-“Tart are you crying?”
A—-“No.”
E—-“You’re crying.”
A—-“Nagsisisi.”
E—-“Lakasan mo pa.”

I couldn’t control my tears, nabura na make-up ko.