My parents never had a nice house. Growing up, I witnessed my mom feeling sad about not having a nice sofa, a nice house. Although they could afford to build a moderately beautiful house, they focused more on providing their 6 children with a good college education and putting food on the table. They set aside their own wants and dreams and instead, put their all towards the attainment of their dream for their children.
My mom liked green curtains, green table covers, embroidered green leaves on our white crisp pillow cases. There’s that hidden desire to have a nice house she could decorate. But her dream took a back seat and got buried under her day to day housekeeping chores and businesses to attend to.
A few times, I saw her crying and complaining to my papa about something that concerned home decorating. He didn’t hang the wall clock, he didn’t replace the batteries, he didn’t fix this and that.
Her joy after our tiny kitchen had finally been renovated and updated was indescribable. Her beautiful face was filled with pride. She was so proud and happy. She invited some of our neighbors to come take a look at our shiny kitchen tiles with mosaic accents and brand new counter tops.
At a young age I already knew what I wanted to have when I grow up. A house I can call my own and a home. I knew that someday as a wife, my mom’s dream would be my dream too. And I think that should be the dream of every woman who wants to get married. To have a house of their own. A house that will be their sanctuary. A witness to their love, struggles, successes. A house that will be their family’s home. I remember even saying that “I don’t mind if it’s under the stairs, as long as it’s mine”. It doesn’t matter if it’s a one bedroom house, or a bahay kubo. As long as you can call it your home.
My childhood dream is still here with me. My love for homes hasn’t left me even if it already got a big check mark on my list of dreams. I still enjoy looking at model homes. And my enthusiasm never changes, it’s as if I have no house yet of my own.
My daughter asked me a couple of days ago, if the clock is moved ten years back, what’s that one thing that I have always wanted to do but for some reason didn’t do. What do I think I will be doing, aside from what I am already doing now or have done. My answer was instant. I want to build homes. Actually when she was probably 7, I almost went into developing townhouses. The lot was there, the architectural drawings were done, the construction permits were secured. I didn’t push thru with it because pinanghinaan ako ng loob. I lost confidence. My resolve weakened because I didn’t have the full resources to embark on that big project. I didn’t want to borrow money from the bank or from anyone else. Natakot akong magkautang ng malaki. And after that, I lost sight of where I wanted to go. Maybe it was not meant to be.
Or maybe I can still pursue that dream. Am I too old for that? I have no more physical energy actually. Isipin ko lang, hingal na ako. I cannot even finish our bahay kubo.
Yesterday I dropped by the chapel. Sometimes I get mental block and don’t know anymore what to pray for. Eh lagi lang naman I pray for my children’s safety, health, welfare. Ilayo po sila sa mga masasamang loob. Maging maayos ang buhay nila. To help us in our decisions and to guide us in our business. Gabayan kami lagi.
I just sat there for a few minutes, staring at the 7 day candle vigil. I lighted 4 candles a few days ago and it’s not been 7 days tila nawala na yung candles, pinalitan na ng bago.
When I stepped out of the chapel, I glanced at the row of brand new houses located beside the church. I suddenly felt so grateful and in tremendous awe. I remembered my dream to have my own house. It was like, Oh my God, when I was young I wished to have my own house and look at what you’ve given me.
It’s funny how dreams come to life. God has a way of granting our wishes. I think as long as our wishes come from our hearts and our hearts are filled with gratitude, good things can happen, more than we have ever imagined.
