When I gave birth to my daughter, I didn’t even know what postpartum depression was. It was only later in life that I realized I had gone through this extreme mood disorder brought about by hormonal changes—just like so many new mothers.
Back then, I was always feeling sad, empty, and hopeless. Umihip lang ang hangin, tutulo na ang luha ko. I couldn’t sleep at night. I longed for someone to talk to at 2 a.m., pero tulog na tulog ang husband ko. I wanted to go out—to the disco, to the movies, anywhere. I had no support system.
Even though I loved my daughter deeply, I also felt this constant urge to leave the house, to go pasyal, to go back to the office. I didn’t enjoy staying home with her. Feeling ko, my life had been curtailed by being a mother. I was only in my mid-20s—kulang sa maturity, kulang sa wisdom.
My second pregnancy was even more difficult. And after giving birth to my son, I had many moments of uncontrollable crying, feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness, anxiety, and all sorts of negative thoughts. Gusto kong maglayas. Galit ako sa mundo. Inis ako sa husband ko.
Because of these overwhelming emotions, there was a time I didn’t care for my baby boy for three whole days—yaya lang niya. I even forgot I had a baby. My mind was somewhere else entirely. And yet he survived without his “crazy mom.” When I finally saw him in his crib, already turning from side to side and trying to crawl, something in me snapped. I scooped him up and hugged him so tight. The guilt hit me hard. Napabayaan ko siya.
Later on, I read about Hollywood celebrities like Brooke Shields who also struggled with postpartum depression. I learned that for some women, it lasts for years. Others aren’t able to shake it off and eventually develop bipolar disorder.
I know I’m still susceptible to depression, maybe because of the childhood traumas I carry. But despite everything, I consider myself lucky that I got out of PPD—twice. Life can be harsh, and sometimes I still feel deeply sad. Gaya ngayon… I’m super stressed, worried, anxious. I can’t sleep at night. Panay ang buntung-hininga ko.
In a strange way, I think the fact that I didn’t know what PPD was back then helped me. Wala akong awareness about the condition, so I didn’t overanalyze what I was feeling. Basta iyak, basta lungkot—hanggang sa matapos.
(My two grown-up babies)
Today, with so much accessible information and constant conversations about PPD, it’s both helpful and overwhelming. Helpful, because women finally understand what’s happening to them. But also challenging, because awareness sometimes leads us to analyze every little feeling, which can magnify the emotional and psychological strain.
Maybe—just maybe—by accepting that these dark episodes are largely due to hormonal changes after childbirth, women can handle them with more compassion for themselves. And they’ll know, deep down, that these moments shall pass.
My daughter has a new baby boy, another one so cute and mukhang chubby chuk chuk. He’s two months old and my daughter is focused on feeding him nothing but breastmilk. Her two sons are incredibly lucky to have her. She’s a better mom than me.
Baby Dylan and wowa
Theo
Love you anak.
